Friday, 20 June 2014

Winner takes all!

Yes, dear reader. It has happened again. It happens every time. Well, except 1966 but that doesn't really count now does it? I don't know why we ever expect anything else to happen really.

Anyway, enough doom; enough gloom. Don't take down that bunting; don't lower that fluttering Cross of St George just yet. I have a cunning plan, a plan that will ensure our future footballing success, put right the British economy - permanently - root out the corruption at the heart of world football and probably restore the British Empire.

It is this: we invented football, right? It is one of our most successful exports, although we've also got a lot of others up our sleeve, like trains and penicillin. 

So, here's the plan. We stop playing; we give up the futile hope of ever winning World Cups; we disband the national team and... we run the game. Yes! We run world football. And not only run it, we charge everyone else huge amounts of money for playing it. It's our intellectual property, after all. I'm sure we can patent the rules restrospectively.

We'll then have no need any more of winning the bloody thing. We'll be above that sort of thing. Because we'll own it; it will be ours, as indeed it ought to be already. Because we started it. We made it what it is. We codified the rules; set the dimensions of the pitch, even dictated the slicing of the half-term oranges. Why shouldn't we get something back from our 'beautiful' game?

It makes sense if you think about it. There are hardly any Englishmen playing professionally these days as it is. And who owns our Premiership clubs? Who picks the teams, bad mouths the ref and bawls at the others from the touch line?
We could make a fortune out of this. We could solve the wretched corruption scandals that surround future World Cups and who runs FIFA. And most important of all we could retire from the fray, lay up our flags, stop all this silly self-delusion every time there's an international football tournament and take back control of what was really always ours. 

Dear old Roy, he could be Sepp Blatter if he wanted to be. Steven Gerrard, he could be his deputy. And Rooney? Well, we'd need someone to go around the world collecting all the money, wouldn't we? 

I am in for the rest of the day if any or all of the Prime Minister, FIFA, Her Majesty the Queen or Wayne Rooney wish to contact me...


  1. Or perhaps just focus on the gentlemans game of rugby ;-)

  2. Loving the idea of moving away from the playing 'international football' (apart from my beloved Preston North End, of course!). I sit with the realists when it comes to England; I have a modicum of belief (if you can call it that) and imagine what could be... but I (sorry, 'we') know nothing will happen. As you quite rightly said, it never does. Despite this comment, you'll find me in the same position of hope next time round...


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