Thursday, 7 February 2013


Yes, poo. The canine kind, to be precise. Nasty stuff, and there seems to be a lot more of it about.

Not being a poo-pedant I had put my awareness of this apparent increase down to the fact that it's more difficult to avoid both with a pushchair and with a child who takes no notice whatsoever on the school run of where his feet are landing. Either that, it was a merely a local phenomena confined to this dark and rather dirty corner of Lincolnshire.

But no. I'm not alone. Countryman and Atlantic oarsman Ben Fogle has noticed more poo, too. And he's demanding his council - Kensington and Chelsea, no less - do more about it.

Now regular readers of this blog will be aware that my faith in local councils isn't great. No. See this post if you don't know what I mean. I'd rather they stick to the basics and get those things right before stretching their resources to breaking point by adding poo patrols to their list of responsibilities. Anyway, who's afraid of the Parkie?

No. I want the POLICE (Daily Fail emphasis) to take it on.


Before I go any further I should point out that I am and always have been a bit of a woolly-minded liberal (small 'l'. Definitely small 'l') for most of my life. I'm not in favour - generally - of giving those in authority more power. Quite the opposite, in fact.

And I know the police are overstretched, underfunded, under-manned (and under-womanned too) so I propose to relieve them of the onerous responsibilities of stopping and searching passers-by on the off-chance they're in possession of a controlled substance (personally I think drugs should be a medical rather than a criminal justice problem anyway) and introduce new powers whereby the Police are required randomly to stop and search DOG WALKERS.


And should they find said DOG WALKERS without the requisite means to gather up and dispose of their pooches poisonous poo (did you know dog poo can kill you?) I will empower the Police to take action. Precipitate action. Against the owner, that is. (After all, it isn't the dog's fault is it?)

Ah but, you say, the prisons are full to bursting; the courts choc-a-block with a backlog of cases. Fear not, gentle reader, I have thought of that too.

Because upon being found without said doggy bag or pooper-scoop or similar means of clearing up their dog's mess, said owners will be immediately set upon clearing up the mountain of mess left in the streets, pavements and parks of their neighbourhood.

Most of it'll probably be theirs, anyway.

I call that 'poo-etic justice'.


  1. It's reached epidemic proportions down our street so when I saw who was responsible I posted them a letter from my 3 year old...

    My name is Sonny, I'm 3 years old. Your dog dropped his poo outside our house today. If you'd like it back I've kept it safe on my shoes, trousers, buggy, and two carpets.

    I'm sure it was an accident, I drop things all the time. If I find any more I'll make sure I post it back to you."

    Surprisingly our street has becoming cleaner, at least by one dogs worth of poo anyway.

    1. I like that Mark. In fact, I may (with your permission) copy it!

    2. No problem, it's all yours.

    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Over here (Chicago) there are dispensers on the street every now and then, with dog poop bags you can take if you come out without one. It's a real jaw-dropper if you see someone not picking up their poo, in fact, most upstanding citizens would have no problem going up to the dog owner and telling them to pick it up. The culture has become very intolerant of dog poop on the pavement.

    1. Which is as it should be Toni. Mind you, there is a wonderfully funny (if irresponsible) story in Rupert Everett's latest volume of autobiography explaining how he came to leave a 'deposit' on a New York pavement... complete with his sunglasses, stuck like a Mr Whippy flake into the turd, having fallen from his face as he bent to scoop his dog's poop.

  3. I'm a dog- owner. It fills me with rage that so many dog owners literally do not give a shit about the state of the pavements: they walk their dogs after dark so that they aren't seen to be leaving the mess behind. I sometimes feel guilt walking down the street with our dog if we pass an abandoned poo because it could look to the casual observer like 'we' were responsible. If you have a dog you should pick up after it. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be allowed the big sod-off satellite dish, the tablets, the iPhones and the designer gear.

    1. Couldn't agree more... And let's not forget the dog either, Kelly. Take that away from the irresponsible owner too!

  4. I'm a dog owner and hate it when other dog owners don't clean up after their hounds. It makes the rest of feel guilty, and gives all dog owners a bad name.

    1. You're right Jean, it does. I find myself looking suspiciously at every dog/walker on my daily perambulations - which is hardly fair on the vast majority.


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