Thursday, 13 January 2011

Bonus babe!

Oops! I do apologise... no idea how that got there. Anyway, this is a serious post; a serious post about serious things - like banks, and bonuses.

Now I know it's been said, many times, many ways (and in many different funny voices if you're Robert Peston) but this fuss about the banks and their bonuses, what with them being in hock to the taxpayer and all that, really mystifies me. And I'm not easily mystified. Oh no. I've taught quantum theory. (Not that I'd claim to understand it, you know. Who was it said that anyone who claims to understand quantum theory doesn't know the first thing about it? Not Robert Peston, that's for sure.)

Anyway, David Cameron has washed his hands of the whole thing; the government claims that it is powerless to intervene; and Vince Cable has been hung out to dry (which is hardly less than he deserves having been so rude about his colleagues recently... Mind you, he did turn in a rather sparkly Strictly Come Dancing performance recently. Maybe we should elect our politicians that way? I'd certainly be quite attentive if Aliona Vilani was delivering a party political broadcast.)

But I digress. Bankers. Yes, with a 'B'. It beats me how the Irish can be so firm and threaten to pull the fiscal rug from underneath their feet and we can't. Or can we? Surely, it depends which 'we' we're talking about? If Mr Cameroon is too much of a wimp, let's take matters into our own hands. Let's... take our business elsewhere! If your bank is paying some obscene sum in bonuses while we're all here suffering the effects of public sector cuts (cuts, I remind you, made necessary because of the lolly expended as a direct result of the wanking crisis) let's all take our bank accounts for walkies!

Perhaps it wouldn't work. Maybe somebody out there would like to tell me. After all, there's a lot I don't understand about finance and economics. Like why budgets have to be spent (or forfeited) before the end of the financial year (thus compelling the Foreign Office to embark on a campaign of plofligacy even in the midst of the most stringest government cuts for a generation. Did you see that? Sir Andrew Cahn apparently told staff, 'we're heading for an underspend and need to get money out of the door.' A £1 million underspend, to be precise). I mean, if saving for the future is such a good thing - as successive government's keep saying - why aren't they allowed to carry a bit of cash forward into next year's budget? Another thing I don't get about money is why we need - almost as if it's as important as the air we breathe or food we eat - constant economic growth? Ok, so growth is good - but forever?

So as you can see, there's a lot that I don't get. I admit, I might have overlooked some vitally important piece of information. And if I have, please feel free to tell me. In the meantime, a message to my bank manager. I'm watching your bonus, babe. And I've got my account closure letter ready.
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