Monday, 14 December 2009

Bah, humbug!

The internet can be a cruel and unforgiving place. Express a flicker of annoyance on twitter, or blog about not sending any Christmas cards and suddenly you're cast as a latter-day Scrooge and in need of self-administered dose of Christmas cheer (Mr Henry Weston's Vintage Special Reserve cider, if you're interested, but THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST!)

Every parent knows that if you label children they begin to fulfill all your expectations. Which is why, of course, I never say that Charlie is a naughty boy, just that something he's been doing happens to be naughty. Rather a lot just lately, as it turns out. Anyway, in view of the on-line assassination of my character it's hardly surprising that I've found myself fitting into the role quite easily. Things have started to annoy me. So much so, I actually wrote them down. And so, in the spirit of Victor Meldrew, I thought I'd share a few of them with you today. Things that pissed me off last week included...

  • People using lifts. People with legs, I mean. And without a push-chair. There are bloody escalators for God's sake. They don't even have to use their legs to get upstairs. Why do they need to use the lift?
  • Ditto automatic doors.
  • Traffic lights that let you get across one half of the road then trap you on a little island for another five minutes. Do they think I only want to cross the road half-way? To admire the view? Have a picnic? I want to go the whole way, dammit. And I don't need a  rest to watch the traffic.
  • Cars parked on the pavement, making it necessary to use the road (avec push-chair) in order to get past. Cars probably owned by the people clogging up the lifts and blocking automatic doors. 
  • People who insist I steer the push-chair round them on the pavement. I mean, it's surely easier for somebody with two legs to do a little side-step then a push-chair pusher? Honestly, some of time when it's loaded up with shopping turning the Titanic would be easier than steering Charlie's push-chair.
  • People who wait until every item of their shopping has been scanned before they even start looking for their purse. Like they never expected they'd be asked to pay. And who only then begin to pack the damned stuff in their shopping bags.
  • Lorries and the law of sod that says you catch them up the very second that the dual carriageway runs out. 
  • Dual carriageway? Who am I kidding... There isn't any in south Lincolnshire. And that's another thing that pisses me off...
That's enough gloom for a Monday morning. It was the annual Santa fun-run here yesterday. The sun shone. There was much ho-ho-ho-ing. (As well as much puffing and panting.) I didn't win. But then, I didn't enter.

Maybe next year.


  1. Yeah, those damn people with legs... they annoy me too.

    Now you see I LIKE this grumbling you - you're funny! I think you shouldn't be afraid to let Mr Meldrew out a bit more often.

  2. I'm with josie on this one, your inner Mr Meldrew writes a very entertaining post.

    And if i had a body like that lady i think i'd go around dressed like that all the time. Well, i might put some gloves on, it does get a bit chilly in the winter.

  3. Of course you know which bit of that I'm going to comment on....the catching up on lorries before the 10 yards of dual carriageway. Is it a ploy so we can't escape from South Lincolnshire?
    By the way I must remember to put a comment on your youtube singing clip - thought your voice was excellent. You sure you don't want to come to our Best Little Whorehouse auditions???

  4. "People who wait until every item of their shopping has been scanned before they even start looking for their purse."

    Aaaargh! I can even spot the people in the queue ahead of me who are going to do just that. Then they spend ages putting purse etc away before packing their stuff. Meanwhile, my stuff is being scanned but there's hardly any room as old bag/geezer blocking the way. And to make matters worse, much worse, they're FRENCH! Nuff said.

    P.S. That photo warmed the cockles of my heart. At least, I think it was my cockles.

  5. I completely agree with all of that! Especially the lift one! It doesnt half bug me! Especially when because the lift is full with people with two legs that a mum and buggy cant get in!

  6. Hurray for a Christmas rant! For me it is those people with legs (but no kids) who nick the parent & child parking spaces that bring on the rage!

  7. This is the second ranty blog post I've read this morning - their great!

    Regarding lifts - I work at an FE college and we have endless complaints from both staff and students with disabilities who aren't able to use the lifts because they are always full of able bodied lazy teenagers.

    I can identify with "People who wait until every item of their shopping has been scanned before they even start looking for their purse", although my issue is not in shops. Before I got a job that was within walking distance of my house, I used to use the bus a lot and I never ceased to be amazed by the number of people who get on the bus BEFORE they start looking for their fare. I always had mine in my hand ready to pay - what is wrong with these people?

  8. Hilarious, I love your ranting and I'll join in with you on all of them...
    and that half naked santa is soooooo not what I was expecting ;)

  9. Oh thanks, Josie and Heather. I think!

    Ah, a fellow-sufferer Trish. Infuriating isn't it?

    Could've been your mussels, DD...

    That's the point, Hayley. The number of times I have to wait while watching lifts full of able-bodied folks go up and down. I feel like running upstairs carrying the pushchair high above my head and screaming. Sometimes.

    Yes, I could've added that one too MdM... I'm going to report them next time!

    Oh don't get me started on the buses, Liz... Or trains. That's an entire post in itself!

    Really Cate? Whyever not?

  10. Hey, what a great list! I was blogging about how there are so many 'grateful or count your blessings' lists about at the moment. How refreshing to have a Victor one!!!

  11. Always glad to be of service, Sub... And there's plenty more where that came from after my trip to Asda this morning!!

  12. I love rants, there should definitely be more of them. Well done.

  13. I'd love a pushchair that would actually steer when loaded, or even better one with plenty of front guard so I can ram through people when I've had enough. Can't do it now, would hurt Little Miss A !

  14. Gosh, D, I used to feel the very same about lifts when I was heaving the old pushchair about. But, and i hate myself, I find I use the lift occasionally now equipped with nothing but a handbag. I have fallen back into my old ways.

    No, I remember the arrogance of people who wouldn't move out of the way. Stupid gits

    My old headmaster at primary school would constantly tell me I was a naughty girl. Yes, these things can stick xxxx

  15. i agree with every point of that rant especially the lift thing. it really gets my goat especially when you arrive a lift that is full of able legged people and they just look at you as the door closes.....arses!

    We will add victor meldrew to the advent calender lol! xx

  16. Glad to be of service, VBH!!

    Oh, and while we'rea t it Ang, can we have a shopping trolley that does the same thing?

    Oh Jenny, you don't. Do you? Well, your headmaster did say that you were a naughty girl...

    Yes Amy - chocolate Victor Meldrew. What d'you think: December 24th?

  17. Looks like the recesssion has hit Santa and he has had to sell off some of his wife's suit! You don't seem to be complaining about that.

  18. Just as a reminder. There are people with invisible disabilities who use lifts. I know sometimes I need to use a lift because I can't manage the stairs but if you look at me you couldn't tell that.

  19. Whew! It sounds awfully crowded over there in your part of the world. People parking on the sidewalks? Crazy. Perhaps Dyson will invent a new pushchair that turns on a rolling ball just like his clever vacuum cleaner. Now that would be truly useful!

  20. Ooh, I knew you would end up posting a picture of a bra at some point given your annoyance at the number of scantily clad men there were appearing on various blogs which shall remain nameless.

    This post is great - the grumbling, not the photo necessarily. I am the worst grump in the world. I agree with all your points and could add twice as many again. When you are being followed on Twitter by Grumpy Young Women, as I am, then you know you're in trouble, although the word 'Young' did ease the pain a little!

  21. Awfully hot work, this running malarky CW. I understand she shed most of her garments as the race went on... Wonder what she was wearing at the finish line?

    I know, Lucy, I know. I'm sometimes one of them. But when I haven't got a pushchair I make sure I use the escalator.

    I want one of those Rebecca! Maybe it could be combined with a vacuum cleaner so that you could avoid pushing the wheels through dog mess?

    It was only ever going to be a matter of time, Rosie. You know me too well!

  22. Sorry to hear that your character's been trashed, Dot, I hope I wasn't part of that. Some of things you list do sound annoying though, especially the pavements thing. I suggest you give Charlie your keys and train him to scrape them along the side of any offending parked car - I mean, nobody's going to take a toddler to small-claims court!

  23. Oops, managed to miss the bit about the escalators. I was thinking of the buildings I face where it's a choice of lift or stairs.

  24. You Lie.. You did enter and that's you in the pink frilly knick knacks! :D
    8mths of using a pushchair.. I seriously want to run people over who get in my way!!
    Considering attaching spikes to the front of Oli's pushchair!!

  25. Well, maybe 'trashed' is taking it a bit too far Gadj. But hey - we'll trash a few cars along the lines that you suggest next time they're parked on our pavement!

    No escalators Lucy? In that case, it'll have to be the lift every time.

    Sssshhh Emma. Don't tell everybody... And as for the spikes, I think you should change your name to Boadicea!

  26. So agree with most of your points, especially the one and the lifts! I put it down to pure laziness, as I do a lot of things that people do. Except pushing push chairs of course.

    CJ xx

  27. I must say Kathryn, that is my biggest bete noire at the moment. It makes Christmas shopping so much harder, especially when you see the doors opening and the same people standing in the lift, asking 'is this the right floor' having gone up and down the entire store!!

  28. OOO I love a good Victor Meldrew moment, you would make excellent company for my lovely husband & I may add your main rival for the Victor job! Lovely grumpy post!


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