Thursday, 7 February 2013


Yes, poo. The canine kind, to be precise. Nasty stuff, and there seems to be a lot more of it about.

Not being a poo-pedant I had put my awareness of this apparent increase down to the fact that it's more difficult to avoid both with a pushchair and with a child who takes no notice whatsoever on the school run of where his feet are landing. Either that, it was a merely a local phenomena confined to this dark and rather dirty corner of Lincolnshire.

But no. I'm not alone. Countryman and Atlantic oarsman Ben Fogle has noticed more poo, too. And he's demanding his council - Kensington and Chelsea, no less - do more about it.

Now regular readers of this blog will be aware that my faith in local councils isn't great. No. See this post if you don't know what I mean. I'd rather they stick to the basics and get those things right before stretching their resources to breaking point by adding poo patrols to their list of responsibilities. Anyway, who's afraid of the Parkie?

No. I want the POLICE (Daily Fail emphasis) to take it on.


Before I go any further I should point out that I am and always have been a bit of a woolly-minded liberal (small 'l'. Definitely small 'l') for most of my life. I'm not in favour - generally - of giving those in authority more power. Quite the opposite, in fact.

And I know the police are overstretched, underfunded, under-manned (and under-womanned too) so I propose to relieve them of the onerous responsibilities of stopping and searching passers-by on the off-chance they're in possession of a controlled substance (personally I think drugs should be a medical rather than a criminal justice problem anyway) and introduce new powers whereby the Police are required randomly to stop and search DOG WALKERS.


And should they find said DOG WALKERS without the requisite means to gather up and dispose of their pooches poisonous poo (did you know dog poo can kill you?) I will empower the Police to take action. Precipitate action. Against the owner, that is. (After all, it isn't the dog's fault is it?)

Ah but, you say, the prisons are full to bursting; the courts choc-a-block with a backlog of cases. Fear not, gentle reader, I have thought of that too.

Because upon being found without said doggy bag or pooper-scoop or similar means of clearing up their dog's mess, said owners will be immediately set upon clearing up the mountain of mess left in the streets, pavements and parks of their neighbourhood.

Most of it'll probably be theirs, anyway.

I call that 'poo-etic justice'.
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