Saturday, 1 January 2011

Happy 2011 Everyone! Rather than hit you with a look back at the best of 2010 today (should've done that yesterday; too sleep-deprived) I thought I'd tell you - in advance - what's going to happen in 2011. You'll be pleased to know it's going to be a bumper year. And remember, you heard it here first.

A brand new social networking app. is launched, and proves to be a big hit. Like Twitter but without the 'T', Witter works along the lines of an old Monty Python sketch with users vying with each other for who has the hardest life, the least sleep, the worst partner and the most smelly dog. Or cat. 

Forecasts of the coldest February on record are confounded as Spring comes early. Prince William and Princess-in-waiting Katie shock relatives, friends, governments and nations with their decision to elope to Gretna Green and marry early and in secret.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange announces he  is about to publish private details of the day-to-days lives of thousands of stay-at-home parents. Shock revelations include what they really feel about each other, their children, Gina Ford, and their partners. In addition, the leaks promise to name-and-shame the most child-unfriendly supermarket parking facilities and the lack of provision for public breastfeeding. 'This is really hot stuff,' claims Assange, before being told that someone has merely passed him a year's digest of UK mummy-blogging.

Robbed of the chance of attending the proposed Royal Wedding, writers Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash hire Westminster Abbey for their own Royale Wedding spectacular. Unfortunately the ceremony is marred as a loud cry of 'Marriage? My arse!' echoes round the ancient monument at the moment Antony and Saskia say 'I do'.

In an unexpected twist, PR firms change their tactics when approaching parent-bloggers. No longer do their emails all begin with fulsome praise for a blog they've never read and references to children that the blogger doesn't have. Instead, carefully targeted campaigns involve in-depth study and first-hand knowledge of the blogs in question, ensuring no inappropriate placements or reviews are ever suggested. The most successful PR agency under the new arrangements is Flying Pig Promotions.

Strictly Come-Dancing host Bruce Forsyth is knighted in the Queen's Birthday Honours in recognition of a fifty-year career in entertainment. (No, that's too far-fetched.)  

Following huge success of Cybermummy 2011 the month before, Cyberdaddy 1 is launched amid much initial excitement. Unfortunately, the promise of guest speakers including Jeremy Clarkson and David Beckham fails to materialise and the delegates leave to go the nearest pub when @Dotterel is drafted in as a replacement. 

The promise of a barbecue summer proves accurate for once, as the nation basks in record temperatures and unbroken sunshine. Gentle, cooling rain falls at dusk each evening, while the occasional nocturnal deluge refills reservoirs and replenishes aquifers.  

At the second annual MADs awards, there is outrage as guest host Andrew Marr asks impertinent questions about the prize-winners' mothers' basements.

Parents across the nation are distraught at the news that CBeebies star Justin Fletcher is to leave the channel and move to Hollywood. 'It'll never be the same,' sobs one mum. 'I wanted to have Mr Tumble's babies,' weeps another. Tears are short-lived, however, when his replacement is announced and it is revealed that a new series of Gigglebiz - starring David Tennant in a variety of roles - has been commissioned. 

Surprise measures announced in the Queen's Speech indicate the government's plan to re-nationalise the railways under the direction of Sir Topham Hatt. 'It is my government's intention that Percy should pull the mail on time,' Her Majesty intones, 'and that Gordon should thunder down the line. Henry, meanwhile, will toot and huff and puff while Emily demonstrate on a daily basis that she knows her stuff.' 

Peter Stingfellow's unexpected invitation to host Strictly Come-Dancing competition backfires when he insists that  the contestants spend the week being carefully styled by Gok Wan before being forced to dance routines involving a fireman's pole. Aliona Vilani goes on to win the competition with her partner, Countryfile's John Craven. 

Happy New Year!

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