Monday, 21 June 2010

The News Headlines

What an excellent start to the week: waking up to bright sunshine, a gin-clear blue sky and the news that Christine Bleakley has 'left' The One Show, following that gurning fool Adrian Chillies to ITV. Ah, bliss. Now, if only the rest of the week's news could follow suit. Perhaps it will, who knows? And if it did, what would my dream news headlines be? Well, not counting enormous lottery wins and world peace (not to mention an end to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill) my fantasy news headlines might read something like this...

As part of the austerity budget, Chancellor Nigel Osborne abolishes local democracy. No more grindingly slow local authority procedures as the gentleman (and look at the figures folks, they are overwhelmingly 'gentlemen') councillors meet to debate the minutiae of urban living while drawing an average of £3000 per annum in expenses. Let's have an elected mayor instead.

England stumble out of the World Cup after their third lacklustre performance, thus allowing everyone to concentrate on Wimbledon instead. On their return to the UK the players announce that they will all take a voluntary 50% pay-cut to alleviate the worst excesses of Osborne's public-sector pay squeeze. England players' popularity and credibility (not to say humanity) restored at a stroke.

Yesterday's announcement by the England soccer team is followed by a similar declaration by the entire English Premier League. In the light of this development, Nigel Osborne returns to Parliament to amend his budget, announcing that the National Debt is now paid off. In full. With interest.

Andy Murray refuses to bow to the Queen at Wimbledon, but one doesn't mind. In fact, one rejoices in his Britishness as he storms through the early rounds and on into the second week. Gordon Brown returns to our TV screens in the guise of his alter-ego, weatherman Philip Avery, to announce unbroken sunshine, gentle breezes and light rain only during the hours of darkness for the rest of the summer. Sightings of airborne pigs reported at RAF Brize Norton.

Well, you can always dream can't you... Why don't you have a go?

And in the meantime... could they be, in any way, related?

Gordon Brown

BBC Weatherman Philip Avery
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