Every parent knows that if you label children they begin to fulfill all your expectations. Which is why, of course, I never say that Charlie is a naughty boy, just that something he's been doing happens to be naughty. Rather a lot just lately, as it turns out. Anyway, in view of the on-line assassination of my character it's hardly surprising that I've found myself fitting into the role quite easily. Things have started to annoy me. So much so, I actually wrote them down. And so, in the spirit of Victor Meldrew, I thought I'd share a few of them with you today. Things that pissed me off last week included...
- People using lifts. People with legs, I mean. And without a push-chair. There are bloody escalators for God's sake. They don't even have to use their legs to get upstairs. Why do they need to use the lift?
- Ditto automatic doors.
- Traffic lights that let you get across one half of the road then trap you on a little island for another five minutes. Do they think I only want to cross the road half-way? To admire the view? Have a picnic? I want to go the whole way, dammit. And I don't need a rest to watch the traffic.
- Cars parked on the pavement, making it necessary to use the road (avec push-chair) in order to get past. Cars probably owned by the people clogging up the lifts and blocking automatic doors.
- People who insist I steer the push-chair round them on the pavement. I mean, it's surely easier for somebody with two legs to do a little side-step then a push-chair pusher? Honestly, some of time when it's loaded up with shopping turning the Titanic would be easier than steering Charlie's push-chair.
- People who wait until every item of their shopping has been scanned before they even start looking for their purse. Like they never expected they'd be asked to pay. And who only then begin to pack the damned stuff in their shopping bags.
- Lorries and the law of sod that says you catch them up the very second that the dual carriageway runs out.
- Dual carriageway? Who am I kidding... There isn't any in south Lincolnshire. And that's another thing that pisses me off...
That's enough gloom for a Monday morning. It was the annual Santa fun-run here yesterday. The sun shone. There was much ho-ho-ho-ing. (As well as much puffing and panting.) I didn't win. But then, I didn't enter.
Maybe next year.